Lede
I wanted chips. I got a spinner and a lecture.
What does not make sense
- An app update when you are hungry. Ten minutes of “optimising”.
- 4G+ on the icon. 3G- vibes in real life.
- Push alerts for offers but the menu will not load.
- Robots and “AGI will change everything” while the backend falls over.
- Kiosk works. App sulks. Customer patience is not infinite.
Sense check / The numbers
- UK mobile reliability was the worst in the G7 in 2024, per Opensignal analysis. So yes, your “4G+” can crawl.
- Big-brand food apps are heavy: recent McDonald’s UK APKs weigh around 140–199 MB. Updates are not instant on a busy network.
- Users do not tolerate pain: uninstall rates hover around 46% within 30 days, and many drop an app after the first use if it’s slow or buggy.
The sketch
- Scene one: Update wheel spins. Fries go cold in your imagination.
- Scene two: Billboard says “AGI is here.” Behind it, servers held together with tape.
- Scene three: Kiosk queue moves. App still “preparing your experience”.
What to watch, not the show
- App bloat sold as “new features”.
- Networks that advertise letters, not throughput.
- Backends without load tests.
- Marketing that ships. Engineering that waits.
The Hermit take
Build small. Cache hard. Test on bad networks. Then talk about the future.
Keep or toss
Toss the hype. Keep the basics.
Sources
- UK mobile reliability worst in G7, 2024 Opensignal analysis.
Source: https://www.ft.com/content/cefe83f1-61ff-469f-b15f-0b8e3a2d4174 - McDonald’s UK app sizes ~140–199 MB (recent builds).
Source: https://www.apkmirror.com/apk/mcdonalds-uk/
Source: https://apkpure.com/mcdonald%E2%80%99s-uk/com.mcdonalds.app.uk/download
Source: https://mcdonald-s-uk-mcdonald-s.en.aptoide.com/app - High uninstall and abandonment rates for slow/problem apps.
Source: https://www.appsflyer.com/resources/reports/app-uninstall-benchmarks/
Source: https://clevertap.com/blog/app-uninstalls/