Lede

A killer snake film that keeps winking at you so hard it nearly dislocates its own eyeballs.

Hermit Off Script

Anaconda (2025) plays like a roast of the classic, which is fine, except it can’t decide if it wants to be clever parody or playground dare, so it bounces between genuinely funny and weirdly childish, and yes, the spoiler-alert “piss on me” or “whizz on me” bit is exactly the sort of joke that makes you check whether you’ve accidentally walked into a mate’s group chat instead of a cinema. I kept thinking that if the big names were not involved, this would have been absolutely flattened on a big screen, because the whole vibe screams “streaming night” – the kind you start, judge in ten minutes, and either keep out of curiosity or dump without remorse. And then there’s that moment with the iconic Jesus statue in Brazil where, to my eye, the aerial shot looks like something lifted from somewhere online, compressed to death, and then politely stapled into the film like a fake moustache on a passport photo. Still, Jack Black and Paul Rudd have that dependable charm that can make a shopping list feel like a set piece, so they do real work here. And that’s the problem: when films lean this hard on “you can pause me” energy, cinema loses another little battle – because at home you can skip, pause, or take a piss without feeling like the film is smugly suggesting it first.

Anaconda (2025) | Official Trailer

Anaconda (2025) | Movie synopsis roast

A group of childhood friends, now stuck in jobs and lives that feel smaller than they hoped, get a jolt of purpose when Ronald “Griff” Griffin claims he has obtained the rights to remake their favourite 1997 film, Anaconda. They scrape together money and fly to the Amazon rainforest in Brazil to shoot a low-budget indie version, chasing the old dream of doing something that actually matters.

Once in the jungle, their film project starts colliding with real danger. Their plan involves a local snake handler, Santiago, and a controlled shoot with a snake – but the production quickly goes off the rails, forcing them deeper into the rainforest in search of a replacement. That is when they run into the real problem: a massive anaconda that is not interested in cinema history, only lunch.

Alongside the survival element, the story threads in a second plotline involving Ana, a woman the group meets who claims she is pursuing illegal gold miners in the region. As the friends try to keep filming, the jungle drama, the gold-mining trouble, and their own interpersonal rivalries start stacking up, until “making a movie” becomes “getting out alive”.

The film leans into a meta structure: it begins as a comedy about ordinary people attempting a ridiculous remake, then escalates into a more conventional action creature feature with chases and set pieces as the anaconda threat becomes unavoidable.

Anaconda (2025) is a meta snake movie that knows the original exists, knows you know it exists, and spends a lot of time nudging you in the ribs about it. The setup is basically “let’s do the anaconda thing again”, but with a self-aware grin and a comedy-first engine. When it lands, it lands because Jack Black and Paul Rudd can make even thin material feel like a moment. When it doesn’t, it slips into childish shock gags that feel less like satire and more like a dare.

Cast and credits

Director: Tom Gormican
Writers: Tom Gormican, Kevin Etten
Genre: comedy, adventure, horror
Main cast: Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daniela Melchior, Selton Mello
Composer: David Fleming
Production company/studio: Columbia Pictures, Fully Formed Entertainment
Runtime: 99 minutes
Release year and platform: 2025 – theatrical (Sony Pictures Releasing), with at-home listing via Fandango at Home on Rotten Tomatoes

What does not make sense

• It wants credit for being self-aware, while still charging you full-price attention.
• It sells itself as a jungle danger movie, then keeps stepping on its own tension with “look at me” gags.
• It relies on star power to feel premium, while occasionally looking like it was edited on the bus.
• It flirts with the cinema experience, but behaves like it was built for a remote control.
• It tries to be both affectionate homage and ruthless parody, and lands in the muddy middle.

Sense check / The numbers

1. Rotten Tomatoes lists a 99-minute runtime (1h 39m) and a PG-13 rating. [Rotten Tomatoes]
2. US theatrical release was 25 December 2025, after a premiere on 13 December 2025 in Los Angeles. [Wikipedia]
3. Budget is reported at $45 million, with worldwide box office around $109,973,299 to $110,325,504 depending on tracker cut-off. [Wikipedia; Box Office Mojo; The Numbers]
4. Rotten Tomatoes shows 50 per cent Tomatometer (143 reviews) and 76 per cent Popcornmeter (1,000+ verified ratings) at time of capture. [Rotten Tomatoes]
5. Metacritic reports a 43/100 Metascore from 33 critics; CinemaScore is widely reported as a “B”. [Metacritic; Wikipedia; The Hollywood Reporter snippet]

The sketch

Scene 1: “Premium Ticket, Budget Insert”
Panel: A cinema cashier hands over a ticket shaped like a gold bar. On the screen, a blurry postcard of Christ the Redeemer is taped on with visible sellotape.
Dialogue:
Cashier: “That’ll be full price, cheers.”
Audience member: “Is that… 480p?”
Scene 2: “The Remote Control Wins”
Panel: A living-room sofa holds a remote like Excalibur. The cinema seat nearby looks abandoned, clutching a crushed popcorn tub.
Dialogue:
Remote: “Pause. Breathe. Bathroom. Power.”
Cinema seat: “I used to mean something.”
Scene 3: “The Snake Eats the Tone”
Panel: A giant anaconda labelled “FRANCHISE IP” tries to swallow two placards: “PARODY” and “THRILLER”. Both are stuck halfway.
Dialogue:
Snake: “I can do both!”
Placards (together): “No, you can’t.”

What to watch, not the show

• Studios squeezing familiar IP because new ideas fail faster in spreadsheets than in cinemas.
• Star casting as insurance – because a recognisable face can disguise a wobbly concept for 99 minutes.
• Theatrical pricing pushing audiences towards “I’ll wait and watch at home” habits.
• Comedy-by-algorithm: loud bits, crude bits, meme bits – anything to trigger a share.
• Streaming convenience training people to treat films like scrollable content, not events.

The Hermit take

If your film begs for the pause button, it has already admitted where it belongs.
Keep the wit, lose the smugness.

Keep or toss

Keep / Toss
Keep the cast chemistry and the meta idea.
Toss the juvenile bathroom dare energy and any “cheap-looking” shortcuts that break the spell.

Sources

• IMDb listing: https://m.imdb.com/title/tt33244668/
• Wikipedia film page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anaconda_%282025_film%29
• Rotten Tomatoes page: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/anaconda_2025
• Box Office Mojo totals: https://www.boxofficemojo.com/title/tt33244668/
• The Numbers financials: https://www.the-numbers.com/movie/Anaconda-%282025%29
• Metacritic score page: https://www.metacritic.com/movie/anaconda-2025/